


unfinished business

by hamleting



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst, Exes, Gen, Ghosts, Post-Break Up, Supernatural Elements, Unresolved Emotional Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:47:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28342626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hamleting/pseuds/hamleting
Summary: “Thanks for coming,” Doyoung said, trying to maintain his polite composure, “I've consulted other people with your ability but none of them could get the job done.”Jaehyun gave him a look, the one he used to give him whenever he was debating something in his head, turning Doyoung's words around to find any possible hidden meanings. “It’s no problem.”Doyoung didn’t think he was going to talk about things related to specters again. Not with Jaehyun, at least. But this wasn’t supposed to be a reunion, he had to remember that. They both had to remember that.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung
Comments: 12
Kudos: 72





	unfinished business

**Author's Note:**

> tw // pet death, grief

Rain fell heavily outside the small café. The windows were foggy due to the heating that was on, so the only thing Doyoung could see beyond the glass was the passing dark shadows of the people who rushed by and the blinking traffic lights, reaching in colorful sparks through the night. 

Doyoung crossed his legs and began swinging his foot anxiously, playing with the delicate ring on his index finger. The black turtleneck he had chosen to wear was annoyingly tight, as if his nerves weren’t already making him feel like he was choking, and as more time passed he began to regret the decision to meet in such a dim, intimate place. 

He'd been at the table for so long his hair and clothes, which had gotten wet for not bringing an umbrella with him, were already dry, and the waitress had started to throw looks at the chair that remained empty in front of him. He had forgotten about the creeping frustration that came with being the one who arrived early. No, not early — on time. Doyoung was always on time, and because of that, he was always the one who ended up looking like a fool.  _ Old habits die hard _ , he thought bitterly.

He glanced at the austere menu one more time, more out of nervousness than anything. Maybe he should order. If he ordered, it would mean Doyoung wasn’t waiting for the other one to arrive, but that he was spending time on his own. He had spent a whole year on his own, after all — they both had. This meeting didn't change anything.

The door of the café opened, and Doyoung looked up as a cold breeze greeted his cheeks. There he was, at last, with his stupid long coat and his stupid perfect hair, closing his big umbrella as he stepped inside. Doyoung cursed his chest for contracting in such a painful way. He willed his face to remain unbothered, even though there were two tables between him and the door to give him cover.

Jaehyun looked exactly the same as a year ago, if with clothes Doyoung didn’t recognize. He located Doyoung fast enough, still holding the door open as if doubting if Doyoung had shown up at all. Doyoung allowed himself to lock eyes with him for just two seconds before returning his gaze towards the menu, feeling like his throat had transformed into a dry and endless tunnel as he swallowed hard.

Jaehyun’s cologne reached him faster than his deep voice. It was the same he always used to wear, and the familiar perfume made Doyoung's neurons spark to life and bring up memories that he most certainly didn't want to recall, especially now. “Sorry for being late, the bus broke down.”

Doyoung raised his head slowly. About a dozen similar scenarios ran through his head — that the bus had broken down, that he had copied the wrong address, that he had miscalculated the time it would take him to arrive. He didn’t say anything, only watched as Jaehyun hung his coat on the chair in front of him and sat down. He didn’t seem nervous, which annoyed Doyoung even more than him being late. Jaehyun always had to have the high ground.

“Thanks for coming,” Doyoung said, trying to maintain his polite composure, “didn’t know if you were still in the business.”

Jaehyun gave him a look. Doyoung knew that look. It was the one he used to give him whenever he was debating something in his head, turning Doyoung's words around to find any possible hidden meanings. Doyoung could read him so easily, still. “It’s no problem.”

The waitress approached them, clearly relieved to be finally able to take their order, and Doyoung ordered an espresso before sliding the menu over to Jaehyun. This one furrowed his eyebrows slightly but didn’t say anything. Jaehyun was no fool, of course he was going to see right through Doyoung and his act of ordering the smallest drink.

“I’ll have an americano and some cheesecake,” Jaehyun said. Of course. He wasn't going to let this be a short meeting. “And two forks, please.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Two forks,” Jaehyun repeated as he gave the menu to the waitress. She walked away before Doyoung could object again.

Doyoung sighed and leaned back on his chair, playing with the ring on his finger. He was already regretting this. This wasn’t supposed to be a reunion, he had to remember that. Jaehyun had to remember that. “I’ve consulted other people with your ability but none of them could get the job done, so I started to suspect that—”

“How long has it been? A year, already?”

Doyoung remained with his mouth open for just a moment, “what?”

“Since last time we met. I was beginning to think I wasn’t going to hear from you again.”

It didn't sound like a reprimand. Jaehyun looked genuinely curious, and it took Doyoung a moment to gather his thoughts. “Yes, it’s been about a year. As I was saying—”

“Are you still giving piano lessons?”

A frustrated sound escaped Doyoung’s throat before he could help it. Jaehyun was taking control over the situation, again. But that wasn't true at all — he had been in control from the moment he had Doyoung waiting for him for almost twenty minutes. “Of course I do, it’s my job.”

“You used to talk about playing in bars, that’s why I asked.” 

“I talked about that  _ once _ , a million years ago, and you’re still insisting on it.”

“It was just a question.”

“No, it was you looking for something to judge.”

Jaehyun let out a long sigh as he looked to the side, “I wasn’t judging you. You don’t have to be so defensive all the time, you know.”

“I’ll be as defensive as I please.”

The  _ clank! _ of their order being placed on the table did nothing but highlight the tension between them, the cheesecake in the middle offering little to no compensation to the bitterness that was swirling in Doyoung’s stomach. Once the waitress walked away he gave an angry sip to his espresso and flinched when he burnt his tongue.

“Careful,” Jaehyun said as he opened his first sugar packet. 

“I’m fine.”

“You should have some cake, it’s still cold from the fridge.”

“I said, I’m fine.” Doyoung watched as Jaehyun opened his second packet with his arms crossed, “you haven’t cut down on the sugar.”

“I did, a few months ago. Got as far as one spoon. I was weak, though, didn’t last long.” He looked up from his coffee, clinked his spoon against the mug a few times once he was done stirring, “you remembered.”

Doyoung cursed himself again. That had been careless of him. He shifted on his seat and straightened his posture, as to trick his body and mind into thinking he was in a strictly professional meeting. That’s all this was, after all. “Will you let me explain why I called, now?”

Jaehyun grabbed his fork and looked at him for a while. He had that look on his face again, his debating look, but Doyoung's own didn't leave room for discussion. Eventually, Jaehyun nodded and buried his fork in the cake.

Doyoung had always found Jaehyun’s occupation fascinating, even when things between them started to go bad. He understood it was more than a job — it was his life, his identity. The ability to perceive beings beyond the human plane —  _ specters _ , as people in the field called them — and help them cross towards their own was getting rarer as more generations passed. That, added to the fact that most people with the ability didn’t want to dedicate their lives to helping those specters, made Jaehyun’s occupation to be even more unique.

It had certainly served to heighten Doyoung’s admiration for him, back when they first met. He felt almost ashamed whenever he remembered how captivated he had been by him, how his eyes would acquire that special glint whenever he listened to Jaehyun talk about his job, how he would drink up the passion in his voice as if it was the sweetest and most addictive nectar. He would never get tired of Jaehyun’s work anecdotes, and would only hate on the specters that starred in them when they made Jaehyun spend longer than planned on a job, keeping him away from Doyoung’s arms and his even warmer bed.

He didn’t think he was going to talk about things related to specters again. Not with Jaehyun, at least. But a few months back some strange occurrences had started taking place at Doyoung’s apartment, right after his cat Lune passed away, and Doyoung realized her spectral form had stayed behind.

“I’ve contacted other three people with your ability, but she’s stubborn,” Doyoung explained after catching Jaehyun up with the situation. “After a while, I started noticing she kept sitting by the door, not even bothering to hide her spectral form from me, almost as if wanting to catch my attention. And she didn’t do it at random times of the day, either, but mostly at the time you used to—” Doyoung stopped right there, cleared his throat, “I think she wants  _ you  _ to help her cross.”

Jaehyun had remained silent while Doyoung was talking, nodding to let him know that he was listening and keeping the attentive expression he always wore when listening to a client. But now he was looking down at his half-empty mug, stirring his coffee in slow motions with a pensive frown. "I'm sorry," he said after a while. When Doyoung didn't say anything, he looked up at him, "Lune. I know how much you loved her."

"Oh." This time Doyoung was the one who lowered his gaze. He had finished his coffee a long time ago, but he kept grabbing the tiny mug and spinning it around, making the last remnants of it swirl. "It's… strange. She still walks around the apartment, even climbs up to my bed at night. It wasn't even a day after her death when she showed up again, so it's as if she was never gone at all." Doyoung realized what he said and shook his head, "sorry, I shouldn't say that. I shouldn't have… I shouldn't have gotten used to it, it was foolish."

“It's not foolish.” Jaehyun’s voice was gentle, reassuring. Doyoung wondered how many times he’d said the same thing to his clients. He also wondered how much of it was true. “It’s not easy.”

“I know. But I don’t get it. You used to say not all beings remain as specters, but only the ones who have some strong unfinished business tying them to this world… what business could a cat have?”

Jaehyun shrugged, “It’s not always clear what it is. Most of the time they need to come to terms with whatever it is on their own… in their mind, so to speak. That’s what crossing to the other side is about, and that's what I help them do.”

“And do you get to see it? The thing they come to terms with?”

Doyoung had tried to hide his hopeful tone, but Jaehyun knew him too well, and he looked apologetic when he shook his head. 

A strong bitterness climbed up Doyoung's throat, one that had nothing to do with the coffee he’d had earlier, and he swallowed it back down as he averted his eyes back to the table. The thought that maybe he'd done something wrong while taking care of Lune, something that would make her have unresolved matters that kept her in this plane, had been worrying him ever since he first saw her spectral form. He'd thought he had been a good owner — not owner, he was her family. But now he'd have to accept that he would probably never know what was the thing that had prevented her from crossing to the other side.

The half of the cheesecake facing him was left untouched, the pink and shiny sauce dripping onto the sides of the plate. Doyoung didn’t bother looking at Jaehyun as he grabbed his fork and started eating. Doyoung also knew him too well, and seeing the satisfied smile that was surely on his face would make him angrier than he already was.

It was still raining when they stepped out of the café. Doyoung watched Jaehyun open his big umbrella as he stuffed his hands in the pockets of his jacket, and Jaehyun furrowed his eyebrows, "you didn't bring one?"

"I live just around the corner."

"Yeah, but you hate the rain."

"So?"

Jaehyun gave him that look for the third time that night. Then he shrugged, "I just thought it was odd."

Doyoung pursed his lips, taking cover under the small roof outside the shop. It'd been too long since he spent time with someone he shared history with, long enough to forget the silent and comforting understandings that came along with it. But it wasn't just anyone who was now standing in front of him, and Doyoung wasn't sure how much of those understandings he missed because of the comfort of it, and how much because it was Jaehyun the one who provided them. 

"You don't have to share it with me," Doyoung said, "it's just a little rain."

"Don't be stupid." Jaehyun had already made space under the umbrella, and the right side of his body was starting to get wet. Doyoung only accepted because they were close to his apartment, but he willed his eyes to stay on the ground and his arm as far away from Jaehyun as possible as they made their way.

Doyoung had always been grateful for the quietness of his building. It was an old construction, with cracked marble stairs and higher roofs than the ones newer buildings had, and most of Doyoung's neighbors were old people who went to bed too early. They were probably sleeping now, so when he and Jaehyun entered his apartment and closed the door it got so quiet Doyoung could almost hear Jaehyun's breathing. 

More memories invaded Doyoung's mind, as much as he fought against it. No matter where he looked one of them would come running towards him like a speeding train. The hanger by the door, where they'd hung their snow-covered coats during that one Christmas. The navy blue rug under the coffee table, which Jaehyun had helped him pick two summers ago after the other one got stained with the wine they accidentally spilled during one of their movie nights. The old couch that would complain under their weight whenever Doyoung pushed Jaehyun over the pillows to kiss him until the music that came from the vinyl player turned into white noise. It all came back to him in the short interval between Jaehyun's breaths, and for the first time since he moved there, he wished he lived in a noisy complex instead.

Doyoung shook off the jacket from his shoulders, as if by doing so he would shake off all those unpleasant thoughts. He had to remain focused.

Lune was nowhere to be seen. She didn't like showing her spectral form all the time, opting to appear whenever she felt like it or when she wanted to get Doyoung's attention. As Doyoung started calling for her Jaehyun left his umbrella in the bin by the door, next to Doyoung's dry one. He looked at it for a moment before following Doyoung to the living room.

"You've moved things around," Jaehyun noticed. Doyoung wished he would stop pointing out stuff like that — how he had rearranged the furniture, how he was still giving piano lessons. It only served to emphasize the whole year they had spent apart, and the ones they'd spent far too close. Doyoung didn't know which of the two made it more painful.

"I was bored," Doyoung said, crouching next to the sofa to see if Lune was hiding underneath.

"Not the piano, though," Jaehyun continued, "you didn't move the piano."

Doyoung didn't answer. He squinted his eyes as he looked under the couch, only to find darkness. 

His heart jumped when Jaehyun played an F minor, and he turned just in time to catch the hint of a smile on Jaehyun's lips as he brushed his fingers over the keys. "You'll scare her," Doyoung said as he got up. Jaehyun hummed and played the chord one last time before leaving it alone.

Doyoung sat on the couch and sighed, "I can't believe this, she's been practically begging for you to come."

"Maybe you were wrong." Doyoung shot a glare at him. "Oh, I'm sure you thought the matter over a million times before calling me, that's not what I'm saying. But maybe you misinterpreted her behavior."

"You can leave if that's what you're driving at."

"I wasn't—" Jaehyun stopped mid-sentence, shook his head tiredly, "I'm not going to leave. When does she usually show herself?"

Doyoung leaned over the armrest and rested his head on his hand as he thought, "it's hard to tell, most of the time she appears whenever she wants. I guess, when I get home from work, or when I play the piano."

"There you go." Jaehyun nodded towards it, and Doyoung chewed the inside of his cheek as he approached, feeling goosebumps rise on his neck when he sat in front of it and Jaehyun stepped closer. His neighbors were going to hate him for disturbing their quiet at that hour, even if it wasn't that late. He breathed in and stretched his fingers once, out of habit, before he started playing.

As soon as he played the first notes he felt his shoulders relax. His fingers moved with ease over the keys, playing a melody Doyoung knew by heart and that always came to mind when he had to show off his talent. It was an old, melancholic piece, one his aunt had taught him when he got his first piano at fifteen. It started slow, staying on the low tones for the introduction before the higher ones began to drip over the melody like delicate raindrops, fastening in pace and intensity along with Doyoung's racing heart. He always got entranced by it, so much so that he didn't notice Jaehyun had moved to rest his back against the wall next to the piano, gentle eyes on him. 

He had reached the quieter part of the piece, the one that came before the ending, when Jaehyun called his name. Doyoung looked up as he kept on playing, and followed his gaze towards the darkness beyond the door leading to his room. There she was.

The slender, glowing form of Lune's body made its way across the living room, silver eyes shining on a silver face. Doyoung had gotten so used to her spectral form he almost couldn't remember what she looked like before, with her black fur and green eyes.

She walked right towards Jaehyun, and Doyoung watched as this one crouched to greet her with a smile. He looked happy to see her. He used to play with her all the time, and Doyoung felt bad for having broken the news about her passing in such a cold way. He should have remembered Jaehyun also cared about her.

"I've missed you," Jaehyun said to her. 

Doyoung reached the end of the piece and played the last melancholic chord, and it kept resonating against the old walls until the silence of the apartment swallowed it whole.

Doyoung turned to Jaehyun again. He was stretching out his hand, Lune trespassing it with her silver body as she walked back and forth. She was immaterial, light shaped into the image of a cat, and Doyoung had found out soon enough he wasn't able to touch her. For some reason he'd thought Jaehyun would be, having the ability to help specters. Watching his hand get illuminated whenever Lune passed right through it made him feel even worse.

Doyoung cleared his throat, "so, what now?"

Jaehyun sat on the floor and gestured for him to join him. Doyoung did, careful not to have his knee brush against Jaehyun's. But he could still smell his cologne, and maybe that was worse. 

Lune approached Doyoung this time, nuzzling her head against his leg even though she probably couldn't feel him, either. Doyoung passed a hand over her back, as he always did. And then it fell on him. "God… she'll really be gone now."

Doyoung knew this moment would come, sooner or later. He’d already grieved for Lune when he thought she was gone for good, but the moment she’d shown her spectral form he’d left all his emotions on the shelf, forced them into a jar and hid it in the back of his mind. Now the jar was being slowly opened, and all those repressed thoughts were spilling out like dense, blue smoke, clouding his eyes with memories of the two, situations he wouldn’t be able to relieve with her ever again.

"We don't have to do it today," Jaehyun said.

Doyoung blinked a few times and turned to him. He shook his head, swallowing through the knot that had begun to tie around his throat, "I don't want her to keep on suffering. I know she does… you told me that much, once. That all specters long for closure."

"They do." Jaehyun had started to speak lower. Doyoung wondered if he'd done it not to scare Lune, or if he just was imagining it. It felt like the whole world had gone static after the last chord he played dissolved into the air, the high ceiling of the apartment making Doyoung feel like he was at the bottom of a motionless ocean. 

He breathed in slowly, fearing that too much of that air would make him dizzy, "do what you've got to do."

Jaehyun didn't start right away. He was looking at Doyoung, but this one remained with his eyes on Lune, who had now laid down in front of them. At last, Jaehyun stretched his hands towards her.

Doyoung had never seen him do his work in person. He'd heard about it, of course. About the white, almost cyan light that would start glowing from his hands. But hearing about it didn't compare to being there to witness it, and as bright light started to light up Jaehyun's veins and travel towards his palms Doyoung felt himself catching his breath. 

Lune was drawn to it immediately. She blinked curiously at Jaehyun's hands before standing up again, her eyes big as she tilted her head to the side. Doyoung felt the knot tighten again. "Is it fast? How much time— is it already happening?"

"It usually takes a while." Jaehyun's voice was serene. Everything about him felt serene at that moment, from his posture to the comforting light he was producing and that was flowing down his arms like shiny rivers. "I'll let you know when the time is near."

Doyoung nodded, still determined not to look at him, and wrapped his arms around his legs.

Several minutes passed. Lune had remained in the same position, staring at Jaehyun's light as if in a trance. Doyoung didn't take his eyes off her.

He couldn't tell how much time had passed when Jaehyun turned to him again. It didn't matter — even the longest time would have been insufficient. "I think she's ready," he said. "Would you like to say something to her?"

Doyoung swallowed hard and shifted on his spot. He extended his hand towards her, caressed her head even though neither of them could feel the other's touch. "Lune… Lunie..." Doyoung raised a hand to his cheek when the first tear fell, willing his voice to remain stable. "I love you." He took a deep breath, let his eyes be filled with the image of her one last time. "Thank you for loving me."

Lune turned to him, and Doyoung didn't bother wiping the silent tears that started to leave burning trails down his cheeks. She looked at him for a while, her eyes drowned in white light. Then she nuzzled her head against his arm and walked towards Jaehyun's open hands. 

Doyoung held his breath as Lune closed her eyes and lowered her head towards the light. Her whole body glowed intensely one last time before gradually starting to fade, like a candle dying out. A few moments later, she vanished completely.

Everything was still for a while. But then a big pressure released from Doyoung’s chest, like a big piano falling off a building to crash against the hard concrete, and he gave in, hiding his face behind his hands as a sob made its way through his body. He didn't care about appearing to be strong anymore. His ears started buzzing, his chest contracting and expanding in fast beats, unsynchronized with his heart, and when he felt Jaehyun's hand on his shoulder he didn't hesitate before leaning towards him. He wanted to be held. All he could see was darkness as he pressed his palms against his eyelids, and all he wanted was to be held.

But it didn't last long. Doyoung came back to his senses fast, bottling up his emotions even as he felt them scratch against his skin when he forced them down his stomach.

He separated himself from Jaehyun's warmth and got up, drying his tears with his sleeve and walking away from him. He breathed in a few times before speaking, still with his back to him, "thanks— thank you. You can go now, I don't want to keep you any longer."

Jaehyun stayed where he was, looking up at him. The floorboards creaked as he got up, "you shouldn't be alone right now."

"I'm fine." Doyoung blinked away his tears, rubbed his eyes with his sleeve once more, "just go. I'll transfer the money later."

"Money?"

"For the job. You did good."

"The… job? You think I—" Doyoung could hear him struggle with his words, but still didn't turn around. "You know I didn't do it for the money."

"Fine, we'll leave it at that, then." When time passed and Jaehyun wouldn't move, Doyoung turned to him, "was I not clear? I'd like to be alone."

He didn’t let his voice betray him. He held Jaehyun’s worried gaze hostage, so Jaehyun would know he was no longer in control of the situation. It was Doyoung’s word that mattered now.

"Alright," Jaehyun said at last. Doyoung remained still as he watched him grab his coat, time seeming to drag as he put it on slower than Doyoung's patience could bear. He started to pull at the sleeves of his turtleneck, feeling the wetness of the tears he hadn't been able to repress and pressing with his thumb so hard against the cotton he thought it might rip. Before it did, Jaehyun spoke again, "I still mean what I said last time we saw each other."

A different kind of sting pierced through Doyoung's chest. He remained silent.

Jaehyun went on, "we used to be friends… before. We can still go back to that."

"I'm not ready."

"Doyoung—"

" _I'm not_ _ready_." Jaehyun put on his debating look again, and it made Doyoung furious, "God, would you just say whatever's on your mind, for once?"

Jaehyun opened his mouth to reply, but stopped. Then he shook his head, "it doesn't matter."

"I'm not going to break, just say it."

"I just— I don't understand. Why did you tell me to meet somewhere else? Why not tell me to come right to your place, if you thought I was just doing my job?"

Perhaps Doyoung shouldn't have pushed it. He crossed his arms, shielding the rising commotion in his chest, "why does that matter?"

"Because— I don't know. I don't get why you insisted on meeting for coffee if you were gonna spend all that time waiting for it to be over."

"I didn't insist."

"...but then there was the umbrella thing, and I thought maybe—"

"You thought _ wrong _ ." Jaehyun didn't flinch at his bluntness, but Doyoung caught the slight change in his expression, the way his lips pursed and his brows contracted. He didn't let it affect him. "Not everything in life has some hidden explanation, sometimes things are just like that. All your talk about loose ends… have you stopped to consider maybe the specters you work with stay behind arbitrarily? That they simply get lost in the way?"

Jaehyun shook his head slowly, looking the other way. "I..."

"Who even  _ gets _ closure before they die? If it really was about that then all of them would stay behind. There's no such thing as  _ closure _ — life just ends and that's it!"

"What does that even have to do with this?"

"Everything!" Doyoung felt brand new tears begging to get out, angry tears, right from his throat to his glassy eyes. He didn’t let them, didn’t let his voice quiver. "You always try to force your own meaning into things, fill in blanks that are not even there. It's exactly why I— why we—" 

He didn't continue. Jaehyun waited for him to finish, his expression only hinting at the expectancy Doyoung knew was hiding behind his composed mask. He recalled countless times they'd had that same discussion, and how they were never able to come to an agreement. He recalled the pain that came with it, the bitterness of words said in a rush and that they would always end up regretting.

Doyoung looked down and shook his head in frustration, "I can't do this right now."

Silence claimed the room once more. It pressed down on Doyoung's head as if forcing him to look at his growing shadow, a faded figure stretching through the floorboards towards Jaehyun's feet. Even in his own apartment Doyoung felt so foreign, so small in comparison to Jaehyun's presence and the gravity center he represented — it pulled and pulled, sinking under the wood, sucking the color out of everything, throwing a bait into Doyoung's stomach to fish for any residue of emotion. But Jaehyun wasn't going to get anything out of him. Doyoung sewed his lips together, barricaded his throat — he closed every window from which Jaehyun might try to enter and made the daunting silence his ally. And Jaehyun didn't push.

The bin by the door made a metallic sound as Jaehyun retrieved his umbrella. Doyoung could imagine the last raindrops clinging to it dripping on the wooden floor, on Jaehyun's shoes as he walked away. They had probably clinged to Doyoung's dry umbrella too, just like Jaehyun's perfume used to stick to his clothes and sheets. There was always something that had to stay behind.

"Tell me you won't shut everyone out."

Doyoung looked up at him. Jaehyun was holding the door open but he was still inside, as if waiting to see if Doyoung would change his mind. Doyoung stayed silent.

"Please," Jaehyun insisted. "I need to know you'll be okay."

_ Of course I'll be okay,  _ Doyoung wanted to say,  _ I've been okay for months _ . But he didn't. He just nodded.

Jaehyun held his gaze for a moment before finally turning to the door, pulling at the threads that were holding Doyoung's composure in place with every receding step. Doyoung could feel himself unraveling, a peeled apple foolishly holding onto its red armor as it began to spiral towards the floor. 

Jaehyun's face was hidden by the shadows of the hallway when he last spoke, "I still care about you. I hope you know that."

The door closed. Jaehyun's words floated over the silent living room like a feather, swaying as it slowly made its way downwards. When it reached the floor, Doyoung went down with it.

The thread holding him together finished being pulled, and the hurt he had swallowed earlier spilled messily inside of him. It took over him like a sudden storm — intense, and destructive, and terrifying, flooding his ears in thunderous heartbeat. Part of him wanted to be irresponsible, to tell Jaehyun to come back and be held by him as he cried all night. But he couldn’t do that. He’d already spent a whole year without him — a whole year of taming the impulses that sought for his embrace, of unlearning what had come to be his second nature. He couldn't throw all that away, go back to leaning on him whenever he was overcome by difficult emotions. He was on his own now, and he'd gotten used to it.

He closed his eyes, covered his ears. He didn't know what his emotions meant anymore. The only thing he knew was that he felt terribly, achingly alone, that the ceiling seemed to be higher when he was the only one in the apartment, that he couldn't hear the receding footsteps out in the hallway anymore, and that no silver eyes were looking at him from under the couch.

He only got up to go straight to the kitchen, the creaking sound of the floorboards swallowed quickly by an apartment that was hungry for noise. His hand was looking inside his cabinet before he could think what he was doing, and when he blinked through his tears he saw he had already grabbed a bottle of wine and served himself half a glass. His shiny eyes stared back at him when he looked down, crimson and lost. Then the gaze changed, it became sharp, stern —  _ look at you, running away from your sadness again _ , it said _.  _

Doyoung put the glass down and went straight to his room, leaving the judgmental eyes to sink. He didn't bother turning the lights on before throwing himself on the bed. His arms closed around his pillow as a slow, warm tear traveled from the corner of his eye towards it. He needed to go through this, needed to allow himself to feel. 

He willed his breathing to calm down and looked at the window, where droplets of rain kept flowing downwards, making yellow paths as a light beyond the glass lit them up. Doyoung knew that light. It was the gentle light from the hallway, reaching from the little window at the end of the corridor and towards his own. It was probably still on from when Jaehyun had left.

That thought only made his body curl in on itself even more, crush his heart with his knees like he did when he was a kid who didn't know how to handle his sadness. It was unbearable — a stretching, grey, sharp-edged blanket that covered him inch by inch, like a snake eating him alive.

Doyoung sunk his fingers in his pillow and followed the raindrops on the window with his eyes, the ones that went down faster, the ones that took ages to reach the windowsill. He kept on watching until his vision got tired and blurry. The light was still on.  _ Once it goes out,  _ Doyoung thought,  _ I will let myself feel all of it. _

_ Once it goes out. _

**Author's Note:**

> hi, hope you liked the story <3 let me know your thoughts in the comments, thanks for reading!
> 
> [twt](https://twitter.com/cryojun)   
>  [cc](https://curiouscat.me/hamleting_)


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